Purple – Bry
I. The Basics
Your Name: Elliot, though you may call me Elly
if you prefer.
Your Age: 23
AOL, Yahoo, MSN, AIM, Screen Names: christian.chan
(YIM)
Your E-Mail: RoninH@gmail.com
Your Forum Username: Starlight Prince
Rping Experience: I've been RPing since I was 16. Been in quite a few good ones, but
this is my second Sailormoon RPG. Most of the others
have been free form fantasy or Harry Potter themed.
II. Just Your Everyday Girl…or Boy
Character Name: Gabriel "Opie" Evangeline
/ Young Master Tryphon
Name Meaning:
You either need to
make clear your reason why Gabriel has two names from the get go or find a way
to introduce this information in the history section as it’s very confusing at
first sight. Plus, not everything about the genre needs to relate back to
I would like to
see Opie's name have more relevance to his genre
versus his past. I understand why you'd use his past to generate names but
honestly, he needs to be somewhat related to his genre. The last time I watched
a performance of Hamlet, I don't recall there being lyrics hence Hamlet doesn't
fall under the musical theatre genre either, thus his name is lacking any
genre-related portion. I'd like to see his name changed to something more
related to his genre. Whether using segments of names from musicals or simply
using a baby name meaning site like Parenthood
(http://www.parenthood.com/babynames.html) to look up related words such as
"musical," "voice," and "vocal," we'd really like
to see your character with a name of relevance.
Character Position: Musical
Birth Date: March 12
Astrological Sign: Pisces
Age: 15
Blood Type: Type O
Birth Place:
Nationality: American
Occupation:
Academic Level: The grade your character is currently in.
You forgot to let us know what grade he is in. Now being fifteen
we could assume freshman or sophomore; however, we don't know if he'd been
bumped a grade, held back, or kept where he should be.
If Opie is in high school, then
they're in a he's level. I'm assuming you didn't know this but at age 15, Opie would be a sophomore.
Major/Minor: Theatre
GPA: 3.8
School Involvements: Drama Club
III. The Nitty-Gritty Character Information
Likes: Professional Theatre, Stuffed Animals, Sweets, TV Crime Dramas,
Soft Fabrics, Rainstorms, and Trees (unless they're Coniferous)
Dislikes: Dogs, Being Wet (or worse, covered in goo),
Heights, "Boy Clothes", and Blazing Hot Weather.
Hobbies: Origami, Writing, Doodling, Singing, and Acting
Likes, Dislikes, Hobbies: nothing you wrote really digs into
Gabriel's character, not to mention the one word answers that leave this boy a
mystery.
You have far less likes, dislikes, and hobbies than I would
expect. I know even the laziest of people have more hobbies than these so show
them! They can even be in this list format but you need to add things out of
the ordinary because the listed likes, dislikes, and hobbies are very general
and almost every can agree they like sweets but dislike blazing hot weather.
Even the oddest ones can add another dimension to Opie
and I'd like to see it. I don't even see anything related to his genre here but
rather theatre. Remember, these characters were chosen to personify
their particular genre, and Opie isn't showing why he
was chosen for musical theatre whatsoever based on his likes, dislikes, and
hobbies.
Favorite Food: Angel Food Cake
Hated Food: Sauerkraut
Favorite Animal: Monkey
Favorite Color: Purple
The favorites sections are used to help you develop your
character and realize why he likes the things he does such as his prized food
or animal. I feel that if you explained why he likes or dislikes these things,
it'd add more dimensions to Opie. I'd like to read
why he hates sauerkraut so much! Did he have an embarrassing experience with
the food in the past? Does he enjoy baking angel food cake in secrecy? Why
monkeys? You need to elaborate and it'll help your character grow.
Aspirations: To become a famous Actor/Singer and to find love.
Flaws: Indecisive, lacks situational awareness, can't swim, extremely
gullible, trusting, clingy, afraid of heights and dogs, is a complete creampuff
in battle.
In the flaws section, what exactly does it mean to be a
"complete creampuff in battle?" For Opie's
sake, you should elaborate on his flaws to strengthen his character. For
examples of how accepted characters have handled the flaws section, please
check out their character sites. We put the sites up for applicants so they
could look at examples of accepted characters in order to get a knack for how
they should sculpt their own application so don't hesitate to utilize these
resources.
Physical Appearance
Hair color and style: Golden brown, layered down to around shoulder
length.
Eye color, shape etc: Blue, large (think Elijah Wood) and very emotive.
Facial Features: Round, Childish features, with a slightly lop-sided
grin.
Body Type/Build/Skin Color & Height & Weight: Slim, slightly wirey frame, caucasian skin.
5'2", 104lbs
Walking Style/’Carriage’: Light, fairly graceful.
Clothing Style: Often older styles with contemporary twists. Older
British styles, younger punk styles, bright colors, and faded colors, among
other things.
Distinguishing Marks: Two scars, both on the forearms.
Other Physical Appearance Details: None of interest
Voice: High
Details are a must! Especially in the appearance
department: brunette, blue eyes, short. That describes so many millions of
persons it's not even funny, really look at any of the other senshi's pages or reviews to see what we expect with
personal appearance.
It's very difficult to get a visual image of your character
based on the simple replies to the physical appearance section. Much like I
said earlier, you should go back, look at all the accepted characters' sites,
and see how they handled the physical appearance section. In the future, I'd
like to see this section in greater depth as you have a wonderful foundation
for an appearance that needs to be elaborated on just a bit more. You say his
voice is "high?" You need to describe what "high" is. He is
the significance of musical theatre so I'd definitely expect much to be said
about his voice based on the genre which relies on the performer's powerful
voice to enchant audiences. How large are these scars on his forearms and what
were they caused from? Caucasian people have a myriad of skintones,
whether a ghostly pale from sitting inside all day or sunburned from hours out
in the garden. Does he have freckles spread across his face or any blemishes of
the skin? Is his hair straight and silky or wildly curly? Again, elaboration is
truly needed to each part of this section.
Personality:
His personality offers a good start, but something just doesn't seem
complete to me. It's as if you've not really described him as a whole person.
Typically there is an overview before an in depth telling of who he or she is,
here it seems you left out the list and just wrote solely about his hobbies and
flaws (while these are important they shouldn't be the sole factors to his
personality).
If you couldn't tell, PC members are advocates of listing out
personality traits then elaborating on them as it really helps you balance out
his general positive and negative traits while maintaining a decent amount of
each. I feel if you did this and brainstormed a few more traits, Opie would be much better developed. I don't feel that this
personalty tells me much about Opie
as it isn't elaborated at all. I feel like you should give Opie
general traits which describe him in order to elaborate versus being so
specific. Why is Opie afraid of dogs? This could be
an interesting event to write about and could also explain the 2 scars on his
forearms.
If I made a list of Opie's
traits, this is what I'd have to work with thus far:
Effeminate
Trusting
Clingy
Physical
Fearful of dogs and heights
Indecisive
Graceful
Easily excitable
His traits don't mesh well with the Pisces sign at all
and you can clearly see this once you have listed out the traits. I would
suggest researching your astrological signs' personality traits to get an idea
of what else to add to his personality section or change his astrological sign
altogether. A well-known aspect of personality in Sailor Moon, astrological signs
and blood types play an immense role in a character's personality. By adding
traits relevant to his sign or even blood type, it would add more depth to his
character along with a well-rounded list of general traits that apply to Opie. An important aspect to Proelium
Cantus is relevance to your genre and I think Opie
should prove himself as the epitome of the musical theatre genre through his
personality above any other part of the application. Make Opie
into a walking, living, breathing representation of musical theatre and don't
be afraid to be bold about it!
History:
I enjoy the
thought of making your history like a play, sing as plays can be musical and
musicals are your genre; however, the content is a bit much to take in. Firstly
the Lyrican life - though a great idea - left me kind
of baffled: I understand the tragedy in musical theatre; however, I don't
recall there being demons in Lyrica. I feel that if
revised and tweaked the past life can become a great addition. Gabriel's
current life however, bothers me some. Most parents wouldn't be willing to just
begin buying their son girl's things to keep his grades up, nor would they
promote his desires by allowing him to begin hormone treatments, I see rather a
chance for torment and tweezers than parents getting pills. Also, I don't
believe school children would just learn to better leave things be - people are
cruel, it's sad but true, and I feel with Opie's
effeminate ways that he would be picked on. Lastly, the car accident just seems
a little over the top. The entire section just seems dramatic and as if it's
seeking lime-light.
Also: Hormonal
Replacement Therapy for a fifteen year old boy? I don't see this realistically
happening: no parent I can think of would allow their children to begin
something so severe and furthermore I think it would be near impossible for a
doctor to take liability of such treatment for such a young child.
Although I gave
you permission to make Opie into a citizen of Lyrica in a past life, I didn't expect it to play such a
role in his history and even influence his name meaning and senshi
weaponry. Half of his history is spent describing his tragic past which isn't
necessary. The past is the past and shouldn't have anything to do with the current
Opie, especially in his name. I deemed such a
dramatic past with his lover and the angry fiancee
acceptable as the musical theatre genre has much to do with drama, tragedy, and
emotion but I wasn't expecting it to be so involved in his history.
The demon is unnecessary. I feel like his past on Lyrica would appeal more to the tragedy side of the musical
theatre genre if his jealous lover had killed Opie
and his lover herself. Until this is fixed, I would honestly say drop the
entire backstory; Opie has
so much history from his theatre performances to his incident with his savior
Joshua to his desire to dress like a female, hoping those around him accept it
and move on. I don't think Opie needs anything more
as he already has a rather dramatic background in his current life. Why did you
decide to do this past? What're your intentions? I don't see any need for this
background whatsoever at this point.
In speaking of his background, I don't think that the
hormone replacement therapy would be approved of by any parent or recommended
by any doctor. Think of the reality of what you are stating in Opie's background as this is utterly unrealistic. Even if
true, you would have to provide a background behind the entire incident as
hormonal replacement therapy isn't just something any parent would allow their
kid to begin without fighting, a deep discussion, or other forms of trying to
convince their 15 year old kid if this is truly what he wants at such a young
age.
No matter what,
it's a sensitive issue whether a liberal parent or a conservative parent. If
you research hormonal replacement, you'll notice there have been studies
proving that such therapy would increase the risks of breast cancer, especially
in lean individuals. HRT (Hormonal replacement therapy) causes the growth of
breasts along with other feminine attributes which weren't even included in the
physical appearance section. There are numerous types of HRT and this wasn't
even specified and HRT causes many diseases as well. I actually have a human sexuality
class I'm taking which has shown that HRT is a choice men take if they aren't
comfortable with their sex to such an extreme degree and is a very tough
decision to make, even for those who are intent on being a female especially
with the possibilities of intense side effects. I find it very unlikely that Opie's family and especially doctor would recommend and
allow such a thing. If you want Opie to still
resemble a female, I think you should stick to something more realistic at his
age such as crossdressing versus HRT and focusing on
that.
Remember the cliche phrase
"Show, don't tell?" This applies to your history and if you are to
include all of these dramatic incidents into his history, you must also go into
detail as to how Opie is going to react. Most men who
do crossdress don't walk to school carefree and with
confidence, expecting everyone to accept or ignore them and move on with their
lives. Obviously Opie is going to deal with these
things and even experience a few anti-crossdressing
students along the way which gives you a great paragraph or so in his history
to write about.
If you divide your history up into specific incidents,
you will realize that each segment is quite short but there's such a plethora
of dramatic instances that makes the history seem lengthy. I want to read about
Opie's life and how he has reacted to being so
different from others, not about some demon who killed a lover in the past life
that Opie doesn't even remember in the first place. I
want to read about realistic instances and not so many drama-filled,
unrealistic issues that don't even matter to the present-day Opie at this time.
This character's history needs reworking as it doesn't
seem plausible. You nearly write off every person as being either accepting of Opie's bold lifestyle in female clothing or ignoring it
while bringing in hormone replacement therapy, bargains "grades for girly
things," female theatre roles, a semi truck accident, and a lengthy past
with a jealous lover and a demon. His present history is unrealistic and any
parent wouldn't be caught dead approving of hormone replacement therapy
especially in "the best interest of Opie's
health" when there are so many side effects to HRT especially for thin
people at as young of an age as Opie. For a 15 year
old boy, I think his his history has too much in it
and you need to focus on fewer but more realistic events in order to make Opie's history more believable and above all, acceptable.
V. Relations &
Miscellaneous
NPCs:
What are Gabriel's
relations like with his mother, father, and Joshua? How does he feel about them
and how do they feel about him? These should be longer than a sentence. What
are their personalities like? There is so much we should know to further know
Gabriel.
My immediate
reaction to this section was the briefness of it; it lacks detail and you keep
referring to something of Opie's as "habit."
I don't even quite get what this "habit" you speak of as Opie has so much going on that's unusual for a 15 year old
boy. Again with the showing and not telling, you need to describe each of these
individuals and their in-depth relationships with Opie.
I'm certain mom and dad do more than just approve and disapprove of his
"habit" after all. His dad seems to be involved in the theatre
business, wouldn't this make him feel proud to see his son partake in theatre
too? Wouldn't this strengthen their relationship? You don't even give a basic
age or any sort of physical appearance for any of these people. Joshua Keyes'
college isn't even specified although the schools can be found on the site.
Obviously the two have to have a very in-depth relationship as Joshua severely
injured himself when saving Opie and I'm certain
there's more to this relationship than the mere sentence you provide on him.
Character Relations: None of particular interest.
Character Theme Song: "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera
Secret(s): The accident with Joshua. As of right now only him, Joshua,
and his parents know about it. He also has a very deep crush on him. Something
he keeps a secret from everybody. Other than that, he has a small tattoo on his
upper thigh of a butterfly that he got under his parent's noses.
As for his secrets; the tattoo and what significance it holds
should be listed in his physical appearance section too.
You should describe the butterfly tattoo under the distinguishing
features section of physical appearance along with what it specifically looks
like. Why did he decide on a butterfly versus something else? Of what
significance does the butterfly hold to Opie?
VI. Proelium Soldier
Senshi Name: Sailor Operetta
Drop the sailor, Gabriel should just be known by his genre name,
which I thought was musical theatre.
It states directly in the application that the
"Sailor" portion of a male character's senshi
name is dropped but why has it been added here? Being your character crossdresses, I think it'd be neat to add the aspect of him
perhaps becoming female when a senshi? In Sailor
Moon, the Starlights do this and I think the concept
suits Opie as well.
Why Sailor Operetta? This makes absolutely no sense and as you
have seen on the cast page, there is already a senshi
of opera. I will define operetta for you briefly with help from Wikipedia: "Operetta is a genre of light opera, light
in terms both of music and subject matter. It is closely related both to opera
and also to other forms of lighter musical theatre, and in many cases, it is
difficult to assign a musical theatre work to a particular genre." The
challenge with Proelium Cantus in sculpting a
character is that you have to cover the genre wholly, without aiming at one
aspect of the genre. You cannot declare musical's name changed to operetta to
sound better because it has the words "lighter musical theatre" in
its definition. You need to cover all bases and I advise you to stick with the
simple name "Musical" in combat.
Symbol: The two masks commonly seen in theatre, one happy, one sad, both
in front of a cleft note.
Henshin Item: A small pendant on a
necklace, if you look closely you can see the two mask and cleft symbol in the
blue jewel. He normally keeps this tucked into his shirt.
Henshin Phrase & Description:
“Musical Soprano Power!”
Catch/Introduction/Challenge Phrase: "For love and beauty, I am the
prettyboy prince of the stage, Sailor Operetta! On
behalf of all that is pure and innocent, I will punish you!"
The symbol works well as does the henshin
item. I do like his catchphrase except the ending being exactly what Sailor
Moon herself says.
Fuku
Sailor Operetta's fuku consists of a basic off-white
leotard. A slightly loose, sleeveless v-neck top covers down to about
mid-thigh, and is tied off at the waist by a gold ribbon, and knotted in a bow
in the lower back. Covering the feet are brown leather sandals with ribbons
wrapping intricately up the legs and tied just below the knees. A golden armlet
adorns his right arm, while on his left forearm is tied an intricate leather
arm guard. Around his head is a crown of golden laurel leaves.
His fuku works well, though I think
you could do so much more with musical theatre than the Greek aspect.
I'm very impressed with the fuku,
especially the leotard part as it's relevant to musical theatre. If you've seen
a "behind the scenes" portion of any musical, they always show the
men in leotards of some sort, practicing their singing and dancing so I was very
in awe of this. The visual of your senshi helped a
lot with visualizing the fuku and we highly
appreciate you providing us with such a wonderful visual aid. I don't
understand why you didn't use a mask though as fukus
aren't all about trying to look as glamorous as possible but having relevance
to the genre and laurels, although said to communicate the spirit of poetry,
isn't as geared towards the genre as a mask would be. Even using the mask in
addition to the laurels would be a nice touch but I'm a tad confused as an
interesting part of the fuku would be a mask but you
were against it when we spoke last, choosing something less relevant to his
genre like the laurels.
Attacks:
Attack Names: Shining Arrow Vibration!
Attack Descriptions: Sailro Operetta summons a
magic bow and shoots a bolt of shining sound energy at the enemy.
Attack Effects: While this is a weapon attack, the projectile itself has
no real substance. Instead it's a concentrated beam of sound. One shot from
this is hardly lethal, but it's enough to pin someone against a wall
momentarily, while doing some damage as well. The real usefulness of such a
weapon is more in the fact that it can actually send a message on it's own. The
bolt can be stopped by disrupting the wave, or by simply blocking it with
something else. He can send about 3 bolts per 15 minutes or so before becoming
too tired. (Considering that most battles don't take as long as 15 minutes)
Weapon: His bow was enchanted from a regular longbow for him by the
Queen of the Moon. It can be summoned on command, but sometimes won't come if
he is too weak. It doesn't have a string, but instead it fires bolts of sound
energy.
A bow and arrow? I feel the weapon doesn't fit the genre.
Perhaps something like a mask or an accessory (i.e. Sailor Jupiter's tiara
being the source for her attacks) would better suit the musical genre, after
all musicals don't only have to be serious and tragic, they can be fun and
different.
Overall, the soldier section is a great start, I just feel you
need to change a few things.
Weaponry is an issue we're strict on and wish for the weapon to
be as relevant as possible. Like I said, when I approved of your character
being a reincarnate of a past Lyrican, I wasn't
expecting it to influence so much of his application. In fact, it almost seems
like a cop-out as you could have gone above and beyond, conjuring a weapon more
unique than just a sword, wand, or bow in your case. There are so many
possibilities of attacks with your selected genre that you don’t even need a
weapon! But if you’re still intent on a weapon, you could even use the mask as
a weapon that activates an attack once worn or something to that effect. Or as
I stated to you when you contacted me, a handheld microphone with a specific
song he sings in order to activate his attack whether putting enemies into a
daze when listening to the song or being so high pitched (After all, you said
his voice is high-pitched) that it deafens the enemies.
With the microphone, you could make such a unique spectrum of
attacks. After all, in the earlier ancient Greek times, sirens were depicted as
bird-women who sang songs of knowledge and made all sailors stop to listen to
such alluring songs, only to have their ships wrecked from such addiction to
the song. Sirens in modern days also sing so sweetly that they lull mariners to
sleep so you could work off of this with the microphone if wanted. These are
just suggestions to inspire you as a bow and arrow from the past life isn't
acceptable especially with our strict weapons policy and wishing for much
relevance towards the genre over anything else.
VIII: Writing Sample Optional
"I did it! I got the part!" he announced, bouncing into the entrance
hall. He was wearing an oversized denim jacket today, faded and arfully torn in places. On the back was a star pattern and
the words 'Mega Mega SuperStar!' on the back.
Underneath was a grey v-neck shirt, a pair of thick stringed necklaces, and a
pair of black dye low rise jeans. "Mama! Papa! I did it!"
"A-ah! Great job, son!" said Greg; a small, guilty emphasis on the
word "son".
Ellen, giving her husband half a reproachful glance, then turned to her child.
"Congratulations, hun! What part did you
get?"
"I got the lead role for Phantom of the Opera! My first lead role! I'm so
excited!" and indeed, he seemed as if he were about to burst, hardly able
to stay in one place.
"Raoul?" Greg offered, with only a faint
hope.
"Of course not!" Ophelia said, standing still for the first time to
give his father a stern look. "I got the part of Christine Daae, of course."
"I knew it...oh my son, where have you gone?" his father replied
woefully, slumping against the table, nearly spilling his tea.
"That's wonderful, sweetie." Ellen cut in, pointedly ignoring Greg's
laments. "It looks like we'll definitely have to come see this," her
tone turned icy as she turned her gaze back to her husband. "won't we, dear?"
Greg sat up at once, waving his hand in the air dismissively, laughing
uneasily. "Of course, of course! Maybe we can call grandpa and grandma and
have them come see too!"
But Opie was barely listening. "I'm going
upstairs to practice! You know what they say: 'Practice makes parfaits!' Ohhh I can't wait!" and with that, he was gone
upstairs.
"...It's supposed to be 'Practice makes perfect..." Greg added
to the sudden silence.
-~=[ ☆]=~-
Carefully placing his hand drawn 'do not disturb' sign on the doorknob, he
slipped into his room, making a rather sloppy pirouette out of it and jumping
back onto his bed. Taking a plush white kitten off of one of his pillows, he
holds it up above him, surveying the fuzzy underbelly and bemused expression.
"It hardly seems real." he commented aloud. "I feel like I'm in
a wonderful dream. Now if only Joshua were playing Raoul...then
it'd be perfect." and for a moment he let his mind wander, as it often
does, into a world where Joshua still had his leg. He would hold Ophelia
tightly, his head resting on his chest, listening to his racing heart.
But then reality set in, and the pang of guilt that plagued him since the
accident threatened to wash over him again. Quietly, he rolled to his feet,
trying to put it from his mind. The plush kitten lay splayed and forgotten on
the bed as he stepped to the window. Something else was bothering him.
"What?! You've got to be joking! He's not even a girl!"
Chantelle...She was the only one who was vocally
against him getting the part. He knew why too, she had been hoping for
Christine, and instead she got Carlotta. In a way, he wondered why the director
had picked him. Chantelle was far and again a more
powerful singer than he. Even with the years he's been training his voice, both
for more feminine speech and for singing, he still wasn't sure he could pull
off the notes required by the role.
'Maybe I should go to the director and ask to switch roles with her...?'
The silence in the room started ringing in his ears, just as this thought was,
but then he dismissed it. The director has known both of them for years, and
knows full well both of their capabilities. He had his reasons, to be sure.
"Oh well," he announced to the silent room, suddenly bright and
cheery again "no use brooding on it right now. I've got practice to
do~!"
IX: Other Shtuff
Potential plans: I do plan on having an arc with Akeba
to shake up the antagonist side of things. It doesn't have to happen, but I
thought it would be a wonderful diversion from an already wonderful plot. I
don't have much in mind just yet, but the details can be hammered out later.
As stated over and over, you need to get rid of this unnecessary
demon character. With so many complexities in the game already and every senshi of the opposite side seeming villainous to the other
group, it's really overbearing to have a demon involved in the plot too with
such a vast amount of elements in PC already. While a wonderful diversion from
the main plot, I feel like you are trying to invent a story that revolves
simply around Opie when in reality, PC is about
having various characters interact hence the game is not a story with a main
character, but a roleplay with many main characters
whose lives are, to say the least, incredibly intertwined.
Final Verdict: Rejected for Revision
Okay, this was a great start, don't get me wrong and don't get
discouraged by the criticism above. It was a good application but it was just
too much all at once. There were so many different aspects to Gabriel's
personality, so many loose ends in the history, and overall too much to take in
without it wrapping up nicely. I also hate the feeling I get that with this
application, and all the drama, you're character seems to want to grasp the
lime light or be a major character when we're all pretty much equal.
Also, all musical theatre does not need to relate back to
I can't wait to see your revisions, I feel like this
could really turn into a great Musical; however, diamonds start as coal and
that being said, this could use some sprucing up.
I strongly recommend that you start fresh or prepare to heavily
alter your application. It seems like you have a lot of personality traits that
didn't relate to his genre and seem slapped together with little thought as to
how they all related. I suggest you use the personality list format before
delving into the personality as it helps you see your character as a whole and
allows you to view what needs to be tweaked or changed so Opie
can be a well-rounded, relevant character. By having this list, you can ask
yourself and answer such questions as: "Does Opie
represent the genre I have selected?" "Does he match up with the sign
I specifically gave him?" "Is Opie
well-rounded?" It also helps to glance at accepted character's sites to
see what they did in order to have acceptable personalities and such.
Please make sure to read the PC information on the site
intently, as there were mistakes in the application like tacking a "Sailor"
to the beginning of his senshi name. Be sure to do
lots of research on your genre that you apply for and keep your character
relevant by selecting odd, obscure, or neat things that you don't think anyone
else would have done with their character without going overboard. Instead of
putting so much emphasis on dramatic and often unrealistic events in his
history, try focusing a bit more on details elsewhere such as physical
appearance, personality, and relations. Why even have this past? If he's a reincarnate,
he obviously doesn't remember any of this past thus I don't even see the need
to add it but instead focus on something else to make the current Opie a better character.
I would personally drop the whole past life portion as
it's taking away from making Opie into the proper
character for his genre. I think you should stop and question your motives for
adding all these extra parts to Opie, especially the Lyrican past and the demon involved. Every time I want to
read another portion of his application in hopes of seeing more of a musical
theatre influence, I keep seeing thing that link back to his Lyrican past like his name meanings and weapon. You tend to
lean heavily on theatre versus musical theatre too, and they shouldn't be
confused. Instead of focusing on theatre so much, do
something fun and interesting with singing instead. May be Opie likes karaoke or breaking into song in the middle of
class, after all! Make him stand out as the proper personification of musical
theatre and don't be afraid to make him quirky personality-wise to show this!
We actually want you to show this side of Opie
and I haven't seen it yet.
Your writing is neat and I wasn't able to find much, if
any, grammatical errors your application. This pleased me as your application
was a solid, easy read and your thoughts seemed to make sense although not
brought into detail. You present many good ideas but have relied too much on Opie's past to make him into what we're looking for in this
particular senshi. Some of these ideas were too
dramatic and didn't mesh together at all.
You've got a lot of potential and have proven yourself a
great writer, but you're going to have to do a lot of tailoring to this
application in order to make Opie acceptable for his
genre. The application seemed unfinished in the sense that your thoughts were
concise but not brought into the detail that it should have been. I'm certain
if you go over everything, look at the profiles of accepted senshi,
and really research the genre you're applying for, you'll be absolutely perfect
and good to go. ^__^